students of jesus

Twenty-nine years of marriage, in the books today. November 10^th 1984—I married a Southern woman. Whatever I know of the love of God, I first learned from her. It would be a crime against the goodness of God not to give thanks for her. Indeed, a man who does not give thanks for his wife does not understand he has received a good gift from God. 

But first, I must ask for a truce. I care nothing for arguments over various Christian views of marriage. Nor do I intend to advocate for any one view of how two sinful people can live together for so long but to say that this, too, is a mystery and a gift. Please, check your arguments with your coat and hat (but do come in). I mean only to celebrate—thankfully—the goodness of God and my incredible good luck.

Marriage is so commonplace we miss the miracle daily. Yet marriage should be the cause of everyday thanks. It was God’s idea from the beginning. He saw that it was not good for man to be alone. Nor was it within man’s power to remedy the situation. The same is true today: it takes divine intervention, it takes a new creation, and it takes a humble heart day after day to discover the wonder God puts in front of us. What fool dares to presume he knows the treasure of a spouse?

I am that fool. In the foolishness of youth I imagined my wife was some kind of “reward” for the years of my walk with God. (In the words of Bugs Bunny, “What a maroon!”) It only took a few years for me to realize this was bollocks. But the fool in me fought hard. My fallback position: “You are my reward in advance—for all my life,” I gushed silly nonsense toward her. She thought it was sweet but I suspect she was merely matronizing me. Eventually I came to see it was all grace. Grace surprising, grace unending, grace miraculous.

I should not limit such thanks to an anniversary. Less still to 30 Thankful Days. My more liturgical friends have it right when they call marriage a sacrament. Yet not completely right. The true sacrament of marriage is daily, on-going, and for us, just 29 years young today.

The more I think about it, I’m beginning to discover there’s a difference between giving thanks and having a thankful heart. I’m also beginning to discover that the Father cares more about thankfulness flowing from the inside out than obedience we wear like a cheap suit.

Rather than hearing thankfulness as a command, perhaps we can hear it as an invitation:

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. Colossians 3: 15-16)

Who wouldn’t want a heart like that?

Ask Yourself: Like I said -- Who wouldn’t want a heart like that?

Live Into It: Use this passage from Colossians as an inventory. Get real with yourself: how much of this verse describes me right now? Can you hear the passive side of Paul's admonition, "Let . . ." In truth, we couldn't accomplish the new birth on our own, perhaps we need help from God's side to develop a thankful heart. Jesus--are you listening? How does that happen?

“Honestly, I just don’t feel like being thankful.” 

Who said anything about feelings?!?

We’re not responsible for our emotions, are we? It turns out, perhaps we are. Some events--and the emotions that go with them--are beyond our control: unexpected loss, good news beyond all expectation or the hurt inflicted by a loved-one.

Yet, in the everyday-ness of living, I believe that our emotions are largely the result of our habitual thoughts. If we could discern the map of our heart and mind, I suspect we would discover the well-worn pathways of our thinking and feeling. Expressed another way, we train ourselves to think and feel in certain predictable ways. (This is where I should cite studies from the Journal of Psychiatric Studies or some such authoritative-sounding publication, but no: I’m just going to share what I’ve observed about myself and others during my few decades of living.) I believe the reason we find repeated exhortations in the scripture to think and feel certain ways is because God has given us the capacity to rule our thoughts and emotions.

So: what if giving thanks is the most reasonable thing a sane person can do?

Ask Yourself: Have I ever considered the possibility that some (many?) of my emotional responses are the result of habit?

Live Into It: Only a fool would train him or her self to deny any emotional resonse. There is a time for weeping and a time for dancing! The keys for followers of Jesus, though, is who and how. Who is Lord of our emotional life, and how do we interact with our emotions?

Thankfulness is the doorway to God’s presence. Eugene Peterson says “Thank You” is God's password. G.K. Chesterton became a believer by recognizing impossibility of feeling thankfulness apart from having someone to thank.

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. (Psalm 100:4) We enter the gates of God’s courtyard by giving thanks. The image is drawn from the Temple in Jerusalem: a massive structure whose courtyard was open to nearly everyone. The Psalmist instructs us, though, the only way to proceed to the inner court is through thanksgiving. Not the mere attitude of gratitude, but the active giving of thanks: outward, vocal, and communal.

The proper response to God’s goodness is giving thanks. If we can catch the smallest glimpse of his goodness, it will generate thanks. Conversely, if we are not in the habit of giving thanks, perhaps it’s because we have not seen his goodness. And since his love endures forever, our thanks should be unending, and always new.

Ask Yourself: How comfortable am I expressing thanks, actually speaking thankful words--out loud? To others? To God?

Live Into It: Add to your "To Do' list the simple act of sending an email, making a phone call, or visiting someone in person for the sole purpose of expressing your thanks. It will change their day, and even better: after several weeks of walking it out, it will change your life.

Is there any subject Hollywood hasn’t covered? Genres multiply faster than starlets coming to L.A. Except in one area: Thanksgiving. There are only a handful of Thanksgiving-themed movies, but here's one that will provide you opportunity to mediate on life, death, urban community, and how to steal back your turkey from the neighbor's oven.

Pieces of April (2003) A wayward daughter invites her dying mother and the rest of her estranged family to her apartment for Thanksgiving dinner. Katie Holmes plays April, who discovers that family means more than she imagined. Patricia Clarkson, the best-kept secret in movies, plays the dying mother. The final sequence presents a view of family that shows all of us at our best. And for one day--Thanksgiving--they all get the relationships right. You’ll love this sweet movie. I'll buy the popcorn.